If you are a savvy internet user, maybe you can tell us how to embed these buttons directly in the site. Or we can just do it all by ourselves, like we have to do everything else because people these days are so damn selfish! Jesus!
Sorry. We’re really hungry.
DAY 3
FEELING: Delicate
To kick this off, here’s a recipe I made up to make my own SlimFast brand snack. Why make up a recipe for my own SlimFast brand snack when the local supermarket stocks dozens of low-carb SlimFast products? Because, you insensitive clod, we’re in a recession! I can barely afford my delicious Rich Chocolate Royale Shakes, let alone a Peanut Snack Bar or what have you. So, without further adieu:
Kelly’s Recession-Proof Pudding
1 Package Jell-O Brand Sugar-Free Instant Pudding Mix
3 Cups SlimFast Optima On The Go Shake
Be sure to choose flavors that are complimentary and will work well together. Whisk pudding mix into SlimFast in a medium size bowl and chill. In five minutes, you will have six delicious half-cup servings of a low-calorie treat! The proof is in the pudding!
Now, I must apologize for not updating on my diet sooner, but my drastic reduction in calorie intake has made me, shall we say, sluggish. Truthfully, I have been as weak as a kitten for the past few days. Fear not! My metabolism has finally rebounded and I feel as vivacious and healthy as a full-grown cat with feline leukemia. Moreover, I have lost a total of five pounds in just three days!
Remember, readers, if you plan to emulate my example, do not follow the instructions on your SlimFast carton. I’m doing the SlimFast Retro Plan, with a personal twist. I’ve eliminated all these unnecessary calories contained in the “morning snack” and the “afternoon snack.” I’ve also replaced the “sensible dinner” with something easily more sensible: more SlimFast! Essentially, my timetable is a shake at 8 AM, another shake at noon, and my final shake at 4 PM. SlimFast Optima controls my appetite for up to four hours, so if I want to stay up later than 8 PM without ripping open the refrigerator and inhaling all its contents to satisfy my insatiable hunger, I treat myself to a serving of my Recession-Proof Pudding! My daily caloric intake is only 480 on the days I resist the siren song of pudding and only 550 on the days I do have a snack!
The only downside to this plan is that I can’t seem to stand up for long periods of time, much less exercise. I have been able to do some ab-sculpting, but only because crunches involve lying on the floor. I’ve spent most of my days lounging on the couch or not even rousing myself from bed, except to acquire my daily dose of SlimFast. This is really unacceptable, so I’m planning to send Tom out for some caffeine pills. I’d go myself, but walking is really too much for me and I doubt I have the strength to put the car in gear or press down on the gas.
Don’t cry for me, internets! I’m well on my way to achieving my dream: becoming as thin as Lindsay Lohan!
-KA
DAY: 1
FEELING: Optimistic
I stopped off at the Duane Reade pharmacy on the way to work to pick up some diet pills. Like I said, I was thinking about trying out that Alli stuff I see advertised on tv, but it’s just too damn expensive!! Maybe $40 a pop is just chump change to that fat Judd sister, but it’s a bit too rich for my blood! Don’t they know we’re in a recession??? I was nervous I would have to abort my weight loss mission altogether, but it just so happens, as I was going through the clearance bins, I stumbled upon, what looked like some kind of generic brand. It made me a little nervous that the whole box was written in Spanish (and contrary to popular belief, I DON’T speak Spanish), but I thought to myself “Hey! How complicated could this be!” Take the pill and get skinny. What else is there to know?
Now, for some reason, I couldn’t find a price tag on it anywhere, so I started over to the pharmacy’s counter to ask for a price check. I was dismayed to find, however, that the line was totally backed up and I had to get to work! Thankfully, I was able to ask a Hispanic stock boy that just happened to be near by. He took one look at the packaging, and asked me exactly where I had found it. I told him it was buried pretty far down in the clearance bin, and suggested that they do a better job of displaying their merchandise. He looked a little panicked, and told me to put it in my pocket and not let anybody see it. I took it as a sign that he knew this stuff was good and didn’t want anyone else trying to gank it from me. It was the only bottle I had seen in the whole store, after all. He must have sensed that I was in a rush, because he told me to just give him $20 for it and shooed me quickly out of the store. Good customer service is so refreshing. It’s really such a rarity these days….
Once, I got to work, I ate a sensible breakfast: a grapefruit and a bowl of cereal with skim milk, and took the pill. So far, I’ve been feeling pretty good. I was worried it would make sluggish, as medications tends to do to me, but actually I feel pretty energized! I can’t seem to sit still for even a minute actually. But hey, that’s fine. I’ve gotten twice as much work done today! The profuse sweating is a bit a annoying, but I think that probably just means it’s working. Anyway, I gotta go. I’m starting to feel a bit antsy, so I think I’m going to sprint around my office building a few more times.
-KW
So first of all, thanks to everyone who took the time out of their busy sitting-on-your-ass-watching-tv schedules , to participate in Kelly & I’s little Oscar Liveblog last night. And even though we lost our own poll to Michael Phelps, we take solace in the fact that, unlike the great Phelps, living an unhealthy lifestyle won’t get us dropped by sponsors. In fact, we are looking forward to signing an endorsement with Little Debbies due to our ability to identify with 25-35 year old emotional eaters, and morbidly obese children. Overall, we thought it was a pretty successful evening, but we know we have some people to thank. So in true Oscar fashion, I’ll share with you my acceptance speech. Hopefully, I can finish it before Hugh Jackman bursts into song…
This is just really unexpected. ::::crying:::: I never thought I would be sitting here, in the sweat pants I’ve been wearing for 3 days, eating Tootsie Rolls, accepting this prestige honor of “Bitchiest Live Blog.” There are just so many people to thank. First, a big shout out to booze, because without you I wouldn’t be half as funny. To Kelly, for always being there to make Asian jokes and for always reminding me - it doesn’t matter that those jeans make me look fat. I’m still “totally pretty most of the time.” And last but not least, thanks to all you little people out there who turned off your porn and turned us on. Wait….that didn’t come out right…Damn it….
Now although it may appear that this was all fun and games, this year’s 81st Academy Awards was very much a learning experience. This wasn’t just some, cheaply hastily thrown together masquerade of celebrity masturbation. No, it is a well-oiled machine. Deeply rooted in tradition, glamour, and sex, much like the Catholic Church. If you pay attention, you may even notice a steadfast order , a hierarchy if you will.
A. Meryl Streep - every celebrity’s favorite ass to kiss. She is the Fidel Castro of the Academy. When she finally bites the dust, I am fairly certain that Hollywood, as we know it will crumble. Sure, they’ll probably be able to squeeze a few years worth of memorial montages out of her career, but eventually, Hollywood will be reduced to nothing more than a tanned pool of self-righteous botox .
B. Kate Winslet – similar to Meryl Streep in the sense that they both have an affinity for getting naked on camera and a knack for making films that make us want to kill ourselves. Both made their transitions into “ass-kissed recipients” by starring in Holocaust movies. Winslet will surely take over the throne left by Streep upon her ultimate demise.
C. Heath Ledger - for obvious reasons, The Academy loves dead celebrities. First of all, it gives them a reason to do more montages and large orchestral numbers. Plus, it means extra food at the after party for the crew members.
D. Mickey Rourke – The Academy also loves people who have ALMOST died many times, particularly from drug overdoses and generally bad life choices. Another good excuse for montages, but also a great opportunity for shout-outs by presenters and winners. Unfortunately, they are the ones who usually eat all the left over food made surplus by the absence of the actually deceased celebrities.
F. Christian Bale & Joaquin Phoneix – they represent those few celebrities every year who do something so outrageous and embarrassing that everyone is hoping they will show up and just go ape shit. I’d have to say I was disappointed by the lack of recognition these guys got. If I were Christian Bale, I would have turned on my weird accent, screamed at a lighting guy, and verbally abused my wife and mother. But that’s just me. He’s obviously way classier than I am.
G. Hugh Jackman – the host. What can I even say about Hugh? Oh wait! Why don’t just sing a song about it to the tune of Maria from West Side Story:
Hugh Jackman, I just saw a host named Hugh Jackman
He really blew the show, and made it really hard to see
Hugh Jackman, remember when you were in X-Men?
Now I think you may like to sex men.
Hugh Jackman, please just stop singing, Hugh Jackman…
Well, I hope you found this Oscar tutorial fun, informative, and erotic. See ya on the flip side, suckas!!
-KW
Kuriosity Kills is a new feature where I ask “WTF?!”
This is what I see when I look out my window every day. What is that white substance on the roof? I’m in California, so it’s definitely not snow or ice. I think it’s a cocaine garden. Maybe Tom and I should have lived in this building and waited for the harvest.
Seriously, I ask you!
Stay tuned for works of genius and hilarity the likes of which ye have never smelled!
Or felt.
Or tasted.