Two Girls, One Site

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about date rape recently. Not so much because I’ve ever been date raped or because I want to volunteer at some sort of survivor’s crisis center, just mainly because date rape, as a concept, is really, really chauvinistic.

See, if a guy wants to date rape a lady, he just drops some rohypnol in her drink and whisks her lifeless body off in his tan ‘89 Corolla (or whatever cock-blocky vehicle he happened to inherit from his alcoholic uncle) and then rapes her. So easy–no pun intended.

Now, this behavior is obviously despicable and unnacceptable, not least of all because we have a black president, which means that all American problems of race and gender are solved, case closed. Not only does the date rapist not consider the fact that his target may not want to have sex with him, he does not consider that the woman in question may actually WANT to have bad idea sex in a tan ‘89 Corolla, possibly even without the benefit of any type of chemical impairment. But he does not even ASK the female in question her opinion on the subject, so great is his fear of rejection, if she wants to bump uglies in whatever dark alley he’s stashed the vehicle, in order to ensure that he is not caught in the act of creepy, nonconsensual sex with an unconscious person.

And you know, you hear a lot about ways women can fight back, like, “Don’t wear anything remotely attractive, you brazen hussy” or “Go out with a group of friends, even though there’s not really safety in numbers, so that the potential rapist has a lot of options to choose from” or “Learn self-defense, since that’s really going to be helpful when you’ve been drugged.” I think we can all agree that these are excellent suggestions, but they’re all fairly active and really conflict with my resolution to model myself, body and mind, on the American garden slug.

“But Kelly!” You’re saying, dear blaudience (that’s “blog audience”). “What else can we do? I’ve followed all the conventional wisdom and I STILL get date raped everytime I go anywhere, even the library!” To which I would like to reply that most date rapists are employed by the library, because it means that they can read the section in Gone With the Wind where Rhett Butler date rapes Scarlet O’Hara and it works out great for everyone except for Eugenia Victoria “Bonnie Blue” Butler, plus obsessively rent the episodes of General Hospital where Luke date rapes Laura and later marries her and, again, it works out great for everyone, especially their children, featured in a section on Wikipedia called, Troubled Kids.

But I digress. I’ve spent the last week devising a counter strategy that I think will introduce gender equality to the date rape debate. If we take for granted that women don’t like being raped but that certain men enjoy raping women immensely for whatever “daddy wasn’t there” or “I’m totes not gay, how dare you even suggest such a thing” -esque reason they use to justify their enormous monthly black-market rohypnol tab, it doesn’t seem like there’s much possibility for us fairer-sex types to fight back. However, if we take for granted that all men want to be having sex all the time (which we can due to the continued existence of Maxim Magazine and Cigar Aficionado), our best weapon is denying them their opportunity.

“But Kelly!” You know, you members of the blaudience are exeptionally vocal today. Pipe down.

“But Kelly!” Sigh. Fine, go ahead, this is the last time, though. “Okay, thanks. How can we deny them their opportunity when they are obviously willing and able to create opportunity with use of pharmaceuticals and slight of hand?” Oh, silly blaudience! I was just getting to that!

Okay, ladies, if you want to commit a sort of inverse date rape for which you will probably receive NO comeuppance whatsoever, you have to think like the enemy, only smarter and remembering to wipe for prints. You’re so smart you won’t even leave any pesky bodily fluids behind, the DNA results of which can be held against you in a so-called “hall of justice.” Here it is, in a clearly delineated “how-to” guide for your convenience.

1. Lay in a black-market supply of Viagra or Cialis. Carry some with you at all times, along with some condoms and hemorrhoid cream, so as to make any inadvertent discoverer of the contents of your purse or fanny pack too uncomfortable to mention or even be able to consciously remember that you had ED meds on your person. Start carrying a portable toothbrush and toothpaste, as this will be integral to the plan later on. Also be sure that you have some ED medication ground-up for situations that require a shortened dissolving period.

2. Go about your business.

3. When confronted by a potential date rapist, or even just some guy you find annoying or offensive, casually suggest that you continue this mind-numbing social interaction over drinks. The guy will agree about 87% of the time, compared with only about 43% of women who accept such an invitation. This is because adult men do not think they can be raped or coerced by women in any way, which is statistically supportable, so who can blame them, really?

4. This next step will take some practice, but if you are serious about ending date rape, it will be no trouble to reach the desired skill level lickety-split. Watch carefully throughout your libation-oriented conversation for an opportunity to drop a pill into your quarry’s beverage (it may also be helpful, if your coordination is not so good, to strike up a “friendship” with the establishment’s lady bartender).

5. At this point, regardless of your relationship to said undesirable male, crank your seduction to 11, making it seem like copulation with this person is your number one goal. Men, who, by their own admission, just want to get laid, will be impervious to this line of reasoning, even if they don’t particularly like you/find you attractive. If they pretend like they don’t want to get their rocks off, suggest that you could administer certain oral techniques, exclusively for his benefit, with absolutely no expectation of in-kind response or any other strings attached. This works 100% of the time, provided that the individual in question is in no way related to you by blood, but if he is, your chances drop to about 16%, so, you know, watch yourself.

6. Once your offer of sexual involvement has been accepted, smile and excuse yourself to the ladies’ room to “freshen up,” flashing the aforementioned dental hygiene apparatus at the aforementioned dude as you go. He will also assume you mean that you will be freshening up your nether regions, which, despite their avowed love of plowing, most men characterize as creepy, smelly and/or dangerous (this despite the fact that their own apparatus also has potential to be all these things, especially the dangerous part, see above description of date rape). He will feel important and flattered that you would try to make your inferior genitalia acceptable for his potential consumption.

7. Rather than hit the ladies’ room, make a speedy getaway, leaving your target with the tab and an interminable boner he will be hard pressed (pun!) to explain to any other object of his sexual attentions without seeming weird or insane. Hopefully you have been intelligent enough to not use your real name or phone number, but if you have and wish to avoid any legal or personal ramifications, it may be advisable to change both if your target manages to figure out that chemicals, not your innumerable charms, have rendered his penis turgid and immobile for four hours.

Voila! It probably take longer than my brief lifetime for the unabashedly male-biased law-enforcement and justice departments to wrap their Cro-Magnon brains around the idea that a mere woman (a WOMAN!) could concoct and execute such a diabolical plan in order to sexually humiliate a man, since as we all know, men are sexually unhumiliatable, unless they are unfortunate enough to be gay or in the presence of a male gay person. Once they finally do figure out that women could be responsible for rampant, chemically induced boners, I imagine perpetrators of anti-date rape, as it will probably be called, will be exonerated en masse, due to the services of really excellent defense attorneys and the fact that they didn’t actually cause any bodily harm, except in those cases where the defense can parade some medical evidence that the man’s actual physical well-being was compromised, in which case, the entire cast of Law & Order will probably show up to seek the death penalty for the perp.

However, the damage will have been done, and once men realize that women can sexually humiliate right up there with Joe Francis and the best of the date-rapiest frat boys, they will lose interest in date rape altogether, perhaps resorting to bestiality in order to assuage their obvious, gender-wide need to exert sexual power over a sentient being who is “less than” and unable to give consent. At that point, my sisters-in-arms, we can finally, really “take back the night” and fuck the shit out of it. Anneken out!

-KA